[enter title here.]

So. My brain is a jumble of mess right now.

I am feeling so strange about this thing. I haven't truly had a conversation with this person [the friend who died] in three years. Not a genuine, honest-t0-god, conversation. So, yes, I am sad, and yes, I do miss him, a lot. But, to be completely honest, what I am more upset about is that I feel like so much was left unsaid. So much I should have told him, and didn't.

I am not a fan of unfinished business.

Last night was needed though. I went to Chili's with Emma, Mark, Chelsea, Jordan, Ian, Erin, Matt, and Katie. Then after that Chels and Jordan and I went to Kroger, which is always fun. And then we went to the Mountain for a little bit, which actually turned out to be fun, because Erin and I [and Jordan] had a really good conversation about all kinds of stuff.

Then after Mountain, Chels and Jordan and I went back to Chels's house and then Mark came over and we watched the Gradutate. =].

I really appreciate my friends and how they lifted my spirits last night. Thanks guys.

Anyway, I'm out.

LOVE LOVE

SAC.

Today was good until tonight.

I found out a friend of mine died in an accident.

I don't really have much else to say.

"I try to follow my dreams, but they're all about you" -Tyrone Wells

So. I'm sitting in the library. As usual. I feel like I don't even need to state that anymore.

Anyway, today was actually a relatively good day. I gave my speech this morning, which didn't go as terribly as I thought. I actually had one girl tell me that she started tearing up, which, made me happy... I mean, not that she was crying, but that someone cares enough to be interested in my topic. That made me really happy. Then I just chilled at Krannert reading Eaters of The Dead til Chels got there for lunch. After that, I decided to skip Shakespeare, so that I could keep reading. Then I went to Medieval, which was fun, since we went outside for class, plus that class is just really great anyway. It really is my favorite class. Ha... at the end of class we discussed what books would be read in a class titled "The Great Bores", meaning what books were just boring to read... and I pretty much liked every book that the rest of the class labeled as boring: Beowulf, The Odyssey, Dante's Divine Comedy, Moby Dick, The Scarlet Letter, Faerie Queen. So, basically, I'm a major NERD. Which, you know, is okay... and kind of the point. HAHA.

Anyway, now I have to read for Theory, which I really really really really really really really really really really [get the point?] DON'T want to do. I don't really like that class. I just suck at analyzing stuff. I always have. I'm like "Okay, I can tell you what happens. And that's it. Thanks."

But, alas, I must read anyway.

Sigh.

I didn't speak to that person I like at all today, even though I had a class with him today... I am so terrible at this whole game... I just need to walk up to him and be like "Hey. We have a class together, lets be friends." How hard could that be? [A secret... for me, REALLY hard.]

I wish it was easier than this. But then life would be easy wouldn't it? And where's the fun in that? So, I vote that just this one aspect of life be easy. Okay thanks. I can walk up to him and say, "I like you," and he'll say, "Gee, Sarah, I've been waiting for you to say that, I like you, too," and we'll go on with our merry lives. But it isn't easy. So I could just walk up to him and say "I like you," and it's pretty likely that I would get an awkward silence, and a delayed "Um, okay. Bye." <---Bad.

Anyway, I'm going to immerse myself into my music and my reading and hopefully I'll get my mind off of this. [Not too likely, but I can hope, right?]

Before I go I want to state to four people in my life, only two of which may read this, but alas, I want to state it anyway. Chelsea, Emma, Jordan, and Mark. You four have made life manageable for me in these last few weeks. In fact you haven't just made it manageable, you've made it happy, and I really appreciate all of you so much. Thanks.

Well, I'm out, then.

LOVE LOVE.

SAC.

I cannot play this game anymore

I am in a bad mood today. I was yesterday, as well.

The reason, I know is truly beyond stupid, but it is because I have been made to feel stupid. Not by anyone's doing, but by my own. I feel truly unintelligent, in this particular situation, and being the person I am, the advocate for intelligence that I am, I am not dealing with this well. Not at all. It upsets me. And, to e honest, I was upset at first because of who I was looking stupid in front of, but that;s really not it. It's the fact that I am looking stupid at all. I am intelligent. I want to LOOK intelligent. Intelligence is something to share, and when I am saying things, and doing things that are simply not smart, then I feel terrible. I am honestly not doing any of these things on purpose. I just wind up in certain situations where I can not, either, formulate what I want to say, or I say the wrong thing altogether. It's embarrassing, and it's NOT WHO I AM.

Let's just be honest here. I like someone right now. And, I have liked several guys in the last year, but none of them have been someone that I can really genuinely see myself having a lasting relationship with, and this person, I actually can. Except for when I make a complete ASS of myself in front of him. Emma and Mark told me that if he liked me, he would recognize that I have my silly moments, but these haven't been silly moments. They have been genuine moments where I have been or seemed unintelligent.

I am a free spirit, I am loud, I am silly, I am a goof. But, I am smart. I really am not trying to be arrogant, I just really feel that in order for me to function, I need to be smart. And I am.

I think a lot of this stems from that I have, despite my extroversion, trouble initiating things with people I like. And, that, in turn, stems from the experience I have had in the past with people that I have tried to initiate things with. Things have not always turned out well. Actually, things have never turned out well. I have now lost two of the greatest people to have ever entered my life because of this. So, I feel that this explains my nervousness, and possibly my seeming stupidity, but I still want to be seen as smart. I want something to work for me for once. I want to be able to have a conversation with this person where I don't look like a "raging tard", in the words of Mark.

I want to be able to walk up to him and say "Hey, you and me, let's talk." And HAVE A CONVERSATION with him, that is substantial, and more than "So, how are you?" "Good, and you?" "Good. Doing your assignment for class?" "Yep, you?" "Yep?" and then we part ways. I want to get to know him. And I want something to happen.

But. I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.

And, I am tired of looking stupid.

I can do this. I know I can. We'll see if I do.

SAC

For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time. -Keane

SO. My Saturday was AMAZING. A.MAZING.

First of all, we all [Chels, Emma, Matt, Rachel, and Mark's friend Matt] went with Mark to Tang's Garden for his birthday lunch, which was so much fun!!

Then Mark and Emma took off on their own, and the rest of us chilled at Rachel's for a bit. Later on I went to Wal-Mart and to see Christy at work. Then I ended up back at Chels's, and we watched Miss Congeniality, where we got the idea to have a paint fight, so, Chels, Kristina, and I all went to Michael's to get paint. Then we came back and watched John Tucker Must Die. Later on Matt and Katie Treece came over and we had a bit of a party. Then I took Katie to Kyle's. Then... we had the PAINT FIGHT when I got back. Here's the after effect:





It was SO MUCH FUN.

Today was not really the best of days. I mean it wasn't terrible, but I was just sortof down all day. I've sortof been down for a while now.

And then when I came to the library, I had an interaction with someone, that I had hoped would go better than it did. =/. I just feel like I say really stupid things to him. I don't know. I'm probably overreacting. Sigh.

Anywhooo. I'm in the library, and I'm supposed to be reading Twelfth Night for Shakespeare and working on my journals, but I'm not motivated in way shape or form. I did work on my speech for a little bit, and I also read some of Eaters of the Dead, so that's good. We shall see if I am able to focus long enough to actually write my journals. Luckily I have some time tomorrow before class to work on them too.

I'm going then,

LOVE LOVE.

SAC.