I have to believe this will happen.

Because, if I don't, then, I'll probably revert to sadness for a long time.

This is something I want more than I've wanted anything ever. I've never felt like something could be that amazing, that I can't live without it. Nothing has ever been so... fitting. This is something I can see lasting. Lasting for a long time. I have to believe it's possible.

I'm so afraid it's in my life, but it's not for my life. I don't want to believe that. I'm not going to. I'm going to believe it is for my life.

This was supposed to be a good week.

I offically hate Thursdays. It's a fact.

Today:
-I found out my submissions didn't get into Ramifications.
-I could barely walk. Still. I'm so tired of this. I know it will go away with time, but I'm just tired of waiting.
-Even though I could barely walk, I had to walk from the library to the cage. In the rain. Without an umbrella.
-I got a terrible email from one of my teachers about my grade in his class.
-I found out something about a friend that really upset me. Something really awful happened to this person and they are someone I really care about, and I hate that it happened.

Okay, so I know it sounds like I'm some emo kid who hates life. That's not really true. I just had a bad day. Things will get better, they will.

A note to God [sorry, kids, if you're not on the same page as me here. I respect you, you respect me]: Please tell me that You did not put this in my life only for it to not be for me. I know there is a reason You did this, and I'm trying to figure it out. I also know that You know what You're doing and that I have to trust You. I do trust that You can see my heart like no one else, and You can see that my heart wants this more than my heart has wanted anything. I think my heart needs this. But, what I think is not always right, so I have to trust that You know what my heart needs and You will let me know if this is it. Sometimes I forget that You know what is right for me, and I try to make everything happen myself. Sometimes I have to sit back and let You take over. Not only in this specific situation, but in everything. School work. Personal things. Life decisions. Everything.

Sigh.

I have to go write a paper for African American Literature now.

Bye cyberspace.

Love love.

SAC

I'm silly. But this was fun.

Thank you for this picture. I look fantastic. Bah. It perfectly describes my library time.

And, now a survey. Because I'm lame like that.

Are you dating anyone currently?
Negative, captain.

Have you seen the last person you texted naked?
Bah. We were like 8. It doesn't count.

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
No.

What makes you laugh?
Lots of things. Lately, it's been Mark Bailey's entertainments.

Who did you last go out to eat with?
My mom.

How's your life lately?
Well, until today it was pretty crappy. Today is great.

Do you know anyone that is currently locked up?
No.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Spanish.
Work out.
Lunch.
Faulkner.
Yoga.
Dinner with Em.
Spanish and AA homework.

When did you last receive money?
Today. I bought shoes.

What did you last eat?
Food that's bad for me.

Do you miss anything or anyone?
Everyday.

Do you regret your last kiss?​
I don't even remember it. It's been a while.

What are you listening to currently?
The Fray. Their new Album. =].

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
School work. There were some other things, but I've moved on from those.

Do you wear glasses?
Everyday.

What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
Oh man. I don't know if can choose.

Do you miss the way things were three months ago?
Not really. No, I mean, I'm moving forward.

Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
That's a big yes.

Have you ever broken anything because you were mad?
Oh, yes.

Held hands with anyone yesterday?
Uhh. It's possible Kyle and I did at the concert. Briefly. We were snuggly. Haha.

How many months until your birthday?
FOUR!

Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
Yes.

Is there something silver near you?
My rings.

Do you sleep on your stomach?​
Mostly.

Do you judge people you don't know?​
No. I try not to.

Would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?​
Forward. A week closer to my senior year.

Who are the last four people to send you a text message?​
Emily. Erin. Jonathan. Alli. =].

Do you know how to play chess?​
I don't like this question.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
LEFT. I'm strangely OCD about it.

Favorite Beverage?
Water.

Are you tired?
Yeah. I ran today and then worked out afterwards.

Do you want to take something back that happened in the last week?
Everything. But, it's a learning experience.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
An executive chef. A women's empowerer in Africa. An Astronomer. An actor. A non-fiction writer. A great lover. A happy person.

Are you currently jealous?
Nah.

Do you ever bite your lip?
All the time.

Do you have pictures on your walls?
EVERYWHERE.

Have you ever seen anyone picking their nose?
In people's cars. That's the best. They don't think about the fact that people can see them.

Do you like country music?
NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Could things be better in your life at the moment?
Yes, but they are so much better than they have been, I'm content to stay this way.

Have you ever tried to put a huge puzzle together?
I have. Many times. And succeeded.

Have you ever done something illegal?
I mean, yeah.

Do you like clowns?
No Guhh.

Have you seen the movie Jaws?
No.

How do you feel about show offs?
I hate them

Do you go to the library?
I'm there this minute. I live here.

Whats your favorite type of energy drink?
None. They are so bad for you.

What do you put on your hamburger?
I don't eat beef.

Do you wish you were older?
Just by four months, really.

What is your favorite color of eyeliner?
I don't wear makeup ever.

Do you have your nose pierced?
I do. It's my favorite.

What did you do today?
Spanish.
African American Lit.
Lunch.
Shoe shopping.
Running with Jon.
Workout.
Dinner with mom.
Playwriting.
Here in the library, now.

Do you know how to multiply?
Yes.

Do you have your belly button pierced?
No. Trashy.

Just one day.

It's amazing how one day can be the change you need. It can make the difference that will last a lifetime.

Today was that day for me.

Today was wonderful.

And, everything that is has never been before, and everything that was is now gone in a fire that has released me from pain and anger.

All of this thanks to Jonathan Horn and a 15 minute run [I should really say slow jog...]. It was trying, because I haven't really gone running in a while, but it was really good. I really enjoyed it nonetheless. We're going to start running at least every other day. I'm really excited. I have missed running.

Jon is really great to do that with me. He's going to push me to keep going. =]. I don't know if he knows it, but he changed my life perspective in those short 15 minutes. He made me think about what's important and what isn't.

Tomorrow and the rest of this week are going to be wonderful. I just know it.

I can't wait til Wednesday. =].

Love love.

SAC

"This is what I thought I wanted...

Why am I afraid?"

Oh, Tyrone. How you make me feel so much better.

I'm pretty sure that song was written for me and about me.

It's true.

Attention readers: this is going to be a venting blog. And, it's highly possible that it will be long. And, I can assure that it will be angsty and emo. I apologize in advance.

This past week was likely the worst week I've had since I've been in college. There are a few weeks that beat it, but they were all during my senior year of high school. However, I've never wanted to run away from Rome, GA and Berry College so much in my life. I wanted to run and not stop until I got somewhere that no one knew me, where no one would judge me, and where I could just start over.

I felt like I was encased by Murphy's Law. Everything that could have gone wrong, did, and just thinking about it now makes me want to scream.

It started Wednesday, I think. Monday and Tuesday really weren't terrible. Wednesday things got bad. Bad bad.

About 8:3oam on Wednesday I was driving to go take my Spanish test that I was going to fail, because I hadn't studied anywhere near enough, and there was a driver on the other side of the road, who was clearly not paying attention to me, and he came into my lane. I would have gone around him via his lane, but there was someone behind him so I couldn't, so rather, I went into the ditch. I toppled over my steering wheel. I have the loveliest bruise across my abdomen. My car is fine, which is good, but I missed my Spanish test, which made me have a near nervous breakdown. It was not good. I didn't go to African American lit either because I was so shaken up, I just wanted to go home and cry. Which... I did go home, but I didn't cry. [I'll come back to the crying thing in a while]

But, I couldn't stay at home, because I had so much to do that night. I had to go to the Sense of Wonder event for Empower, which it was great, just took time that I really didn't have, due to like mounds and mounds of school work. Then I had rehearsal. Which, as much as I love working with Matt, and I'm glad that I'm spending more and more time with Emily, it's starting to consume my life, and I really don't need Theatre to consume my life. I've had enough for now, okay thanks.

Sigh.

I don't even want to talk about what happened after rehearsal. I don't like to think about it or all the stress that has come and spawned from it. So, I'm not going to.

And, I'm not going to talk about Thursday. It hurts to think about Thursday. It was the worst day of 2009 thus far. It was like a day from 2006 waited and showed up here in 2009.

Friday. Hmm. Well, Friday was interesting. Not bad, not like Thursday, but also not good. There were after effects of Thursday. I had to clean, since my Aunt and Uncle were here on Saturday, and I hate cleaning with the firey passion of buring Hell. Then, Vagina Monologues. Which went so well. So so so well. They were my small solace. Although, within the solace there was a brief blip of dispair... guh.

And, on Saturday, they went even better. I think it was because, at least for me, there were more people there. PLUS, my Aunt and Uncle were here, which was really happy.

But... oh, here's where I'm about to get real emo... even though it sounds like Friday night and Saturday were really good, which, I mean, they weren't bad, they also weren't good. It was odd, but I knew it was because I had so much weighing on my heart from everything that had happened during the week, that I couldn't truly and wholly enjoy the weekend that should have been really good.

Today was... Hmm. Well, it was stressful, but the stress of today was completely unrelated to the stress of the week before.

I said something about crying earlier... back to that now. Through all of this. This horrible week. I haven't cried. I cried for about a minute today, but it was because of what happened today, not becuase of everything else. I'm not really sure how I feel about the fact that I haven't cried. I think maybe the reason it's still weighing so heavily on me is because I haven't cried about it. I can't make myself cry though. I've tried, and it almost makes it worse. I think that if I were to sit down with someone and just talk to them. Tell them everything about the past week, as well as everything else on my heart, that I would probably cry. I haven't had that opportunity though. I don't really have the time for that. I don't have the time, but I fear that if I don't make the time, I will actually break. And breaking in this much stress could be really terrible, not only for me, but for people around me, my friends around me. I don't want to this to become like times in 2006 when things like this happened. It's been three years and I've grown up. I can't regress. I need to make time to talk, and I need to find someone to talk to. Someone I trust.

I'll call Gary tomorrow, maybe. I think I can make that time. I know he'll listen. I know I'll cry. I really think it could be good.

Tomorrow is Monday, which sucks, but is also going to be good. It's the start of a new week, a fresh start. I am going to choose--right now--for it to be a good week. I am not going to let last week become this week. It will not happen.

I think I'm done now.

I have playwriting and African American lit homework to do.

Love love.

SAC.