Funstory.

Part of a group exercise for fiction.

"Lissen, sherrif—alls I wus doin’ wus settin’ here en mah house with those kets o’ mine, ya see, whin all a sudden there came this aweful noise. That ole mister Jones wus screamin’ an’ hollerin’, yellin’ something’’bout the “south will rise ‘gain” or somethin’. Crazy grampa’s always talkin’ ‘bout the war an’ how them troops es comin’ to a-tack an’ all hes doin’s protectin’ us! I don’t need no protecshun seein’ as how that damn wars been won by them yanks fer over a hundred yers now! Wells, I’s ‘bout ta go outside an’ tell hem ta shut his trap, seein’ as et was only ‘round six en the mornin’ ‘bout that time, when next thang I knows es ther’s a hole en tha front o’ my house an’ a beg black ball settin’ en tha middle o’ my livin’ room floor. Well, affer that I wus all worred ‘bout my kets, sos I went ‘round makin’ sure they’s alrigh’. At firs’ I thought mebbe I’d lost one, but he’s jes hidin’ 'neath tha couch. But, see here, ther wus still tha prolem of ther bein’ a beg hole en the front o’ my house—an’, well, I’s gunna deal with it, ya get me? Sos I go en ta tha ketchen an’ got deddy’s ole shotgun off tha wall—you seen wher I kep it before, righ’? I took et off the wall an’ I marched mahself righ’ outside, through that beg ole hole I got en my house, an’ I cocked et and pointed et straight at hem. No, I dedn’t shoot none—ya ken even chek tha barrel ef ya don’t believe me. Naw, I never had no intention o’ shootin’ that ole geezer, alls I wus gunna do was threaten hem—he done blown a hole in my house an’ ‘bout nearly keeled me and mah kets. Wulls—affer I dun decided I wuddn’t gunna shoot that crazy ole man I sees that youngin offcer o’ yers comin’ in them fancy new cars y’all got. I tell yew whut—I ain’t never seen nobody move like that man ded. He dun got outta hes car and run over to tha ole man, tryin’ ta de-tayn hem. Jes ‘bout the funnust thang I ever did see. That offcer shudda known that mossback wuddn’t goin’ down with no fight! He dun try an’ punched the po-lece man ‘bout twenny times er so. Then that crazy Caroline girlthat werks down at the old folks home—yew know, tha daughter o’ Doc O’Rilley—come runnin’ over to hem an’ the offcer tryin’ to tell hem that that stooped war-horse ain’t done nothin’ wrong! Wulls that’s when I come stormin’ off mah porch and start screamin’ at ‘em. “WHUT THA HELLS YEW MEAN HE AIN’T DUN NOTHIN’ WRONG!? He dun blown a damn hole mah house! Dun nearly keeled me an’ my kets! Offcer! Yous gots ta a-rest this here man righ’ now!” Mess Caroline wus tryin’ to hide be-hind that offcer—I thank shes prolly afraid seeing as I hed mah shotgun steel en mah arms at this point. Wells it was jes ‘bout then that that young offcer feels like he ken a-cost me. He dun tried ta take deddy’s shotgun away frum me! I tell yew whut—I wus not havin’ that. I wudda beat hem upside the head ef he’d aktchally taken et frum me. All tha time hes tryin’ ta get et away frum me, Mess Caroline is tryin’ and tryin’ ta get his at-tenshun. She’s jumpin’ up an’ down sayin’ thangs like, “Offcer, Offcer—I got sum in-formatshun for ya ‘bout Mister Jones.” Whut in-formashun she got that anyone cian’t tell yew? Hmm? That ole man is a nut job and damn near e’ryone en this town knows et. But, anyways whin that youngin fine-ly realized he wuddn’t gunna be able ta take that shotgun frum me—I’m stronger then I look, yew knows?—he give up an’ storms off! All be dammed ef I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that before! He jes give up and gets back en his car an’ leaves! Well—Mess Caroline looked like she mebbe’d lost her dog er somethin’—I wus thankin’ mebbe she’d gone and got herself a crush on that youngin’ offcer. And that oldster started pushin’ that damn cannon away and screamin’ ‘bout the south ‘gain, like hes gunna go blow up someone elses house. Wulls, that’s ‘bout when yew showed up an’ dun made e’rything righ’. ‘Cept—I steel got that damn hole en tha front o’ mah house, and I got one more question fer ya. Why the hells am I settin’ in this damn police station when I’m the victem here?! I dun told ya I dedn’t shoot off that shotgun!"


The other people in my group wrote from the perspective of the Old man, Caroline, and the young officer. It was funtimes.

It's been a while... and I'm procrastinating. And this is probably too long.

1. Are you ready for 100 questions?
Whatevs.

2. Do you watch college football?
Nah.

3. Who will fill this survey out after you?
No one.

4. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Emily Williams.

5. Do you love anyone?
Close friends and family.

6. Are you happy?
Generally.

7. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Kennesaw on Saturday.

8. How do you feel about your hair?
It's ridiculous today--but, it's getting longer!! Yay!

9. Where do you work?
I work for the Foreign Language department.

10. Last thing you ate/drank?
Ice cream and beer. God--that's an awful combo. It's really not, because they weren't at the same time. I'm drinking the beer now. It's Orange Blossom Ale and it tastes like juice. It's amazing.

11. Do you wish you were someplace else right now?
Richmond, VA. Everyday of my life.

12. Do you have any pet peeves?
Ha. So many.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
No. I would just lose it if I did.

14. AIM or Yahoo?
Neither.

15. Do you like math?
Nooooo.

16. How many hours on average do you work a week:
15 or so. I need another job.

18. Favorite baseball team?
I don't watch baseball.

19. Favorte NBA team?
Ditto.

20. Do you watch the Olympics?
Depends.

21. Last restaurant you went to?
Panera to study Geology with Erin.

22. Who was the last person to call you?
Mi padre.

23. What’s your sign?
Who cares?

24. Do you have a favorite number?
19.

25. Last time you did volunteer work or made any donations?
A couple weeks ago at The Nest.

26. What do you spend the majority of your money on?
Gas and food. Although--I spent WAYYY too much money on clothes this weekend.

27. Where does your family live?
VT, OH, MD, FL, CA, VA, GA.

28. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
Only.

29. Ever been called a bitch?
Just about everyday. I'm assertive and female--what do you think?

30. Got any guilty pleasures?
Chocolate. NCIS.

31. Do you drink beer?
I am right now. Bahaha. But, hardly, hardly ever.

32. Whats your favorite color?
Yellow.

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
Oh my goodness yes. I STILL have them all. They're in boxes in the garage--but I still have them.

34. Ever bought anything online?
Many things.

35. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook.

36. Do you have T-Mobile?
Nah.

38. Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?
No no.

41. Last time you saw your parents?
I just saw my mother. My father--earlier today.

42. Do you have any talents?
I can sing.

43. Ever been in a wedding?
Three.

44. Do you have any children?
NOOOO. Never.

45. Last movie you watched?
Bobby. AMAZING movie.

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
Sure.

47. Did you take a nap today?
No, and I've been up since 6:30. Guhhh.

49. Ever been on a cruise?
No. =[

50. Did you notice number 40 was missing?
No.

52. Do you have any wealthy friends?
Some.

53. Ever met anyone famous before?
Yes. James and Oliver Phelps. Tyrone Wells.

54. Favorite actor?
Mark Harmon.

55. Favorite actress?
Kate Winslet.

56. Are you multi-tasking right now?
I'm watching TV.

57. Could you handle being in the military?
I would never do that.

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?
No.

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I don't eat fast food.

61. What is your average cell phone bill?
No idea.

62. Do you own a camera phone?
Sure.

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test?
Bahahahahaha. Yes. Oh--that was a fun night. Not.

64. Do you believe in Karma?
A form of it.

65. Can you speak any other languages?
Some--very minimal--spanish.

66. Last time you went to the gym or worked out?
Yesterday.

67. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
There are about 6 that I wear regularly--but I own about 15 or so.

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
Nah.

69. Last place you were?
Before here--Panera.

70. What is your college mascot?
Vikings. Stupid.

71. Ever been to Las Vegas?
Nah.

76. Have you ever been gambling?
Nah.

77. How old are your parents?
Noneya!

78. When is the last time you updated your blog?
Uhh. Right now.

79. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
No. I don't have them at all.

80. Favorite place to be?
Richmond, VA.

81. Have you been to New York City?
Yep. Love it.

82 Favorite sit down restaurant?
Joe's in Richmond. Here--Harvest Moon, I guess.

83. Ever been to Disney Land?
No.

84. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Doug Funny, for sure.

85. Last thing you cooked?
I made Eggplant quiche for dinner.

86. How is the weather today?
GUHHHH. Fuck the rain.

87. Do you email?
Yeah.

88. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill?
My TOMS!

89. Last missed call?
Mi padre.

91. Last voicemail you received?
Ditto.

92. Do you drunk dial/text?
No. I'm not really ever drunk.

93. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
I washed it in the washing machine once. That was a good time.

94. What is the best city in the state that you live in?
I just want everyone to know that the person who did this before ACTAULLY said Rome. That makes me want to die. I'd probably say either someplace like Helen or Ellijay, or Savannah.

96. Did you just die?
Hahaha. ^ See above.

97. Are you bored right now?
Ehh. Nah.

98. Last concert you went to?
Tyrone Wells.

99. What do you think about before you go to bed?
I don't know--different things.

100. What are your plans for tomorrow?
Guhh. Geology exam. Of death.

part dos.

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
Ehh. It's doubtful.

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you
Nah.

Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out?
I like it sometimes.

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Danny.

What's your third text say?
"youll be awesome" -Danny.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Studying.

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
Ha. AFTER my Geology exam, sure.

Are you wearing something you borrowed from someone?
A sweatshirt I stole from Dannyboy.

Do you think there are circumstances when it's okay to wait for someone?
I don't know that I understand this question.

If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?
Erin.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
Occasionally.

What were you doing at 7:00 this morning?
Typing.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
Friends.

Have you broken the law in the last 3 days?
I'm sure I've sped.

Have you kissed anyone who's name started with a W?
Someone who's middle name starts with a W, yes.

Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?
Kali McMillan.

When's the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?
Hmm. Last week.

Are any of your texts in your inbox locked and why?
No.

What's the last thing you laughed really hard over?
Earlier today--I saw a pretty hilarious picture of one of my friends.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
Uhh. It was awfully early.

If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard could you still type?
Probably.

What are you drinking right now?
Nothing.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No.

What color are your eyes?
Grey.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
I do now.

Do you get mad easily?
No.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yes.

Are you currently frustrated with a boy or girl?
Nah.

Who is the last person to say I love you?
Mi madre.

Do you think that smoking weed changes people?
Ehh.

Do you believe you go "somewhere" after death?
Perhaps.

What are two things you did today?
Class. Study session at Panera.

What are your plans for this weekend?
Next weekend--Taking Uli to the airport/the show on Friday. All day Geo field trip on Saturday. Homework/picking Uli up from the airport on Sunday.

Have you taken a shower in the last 24 hours?
No. I should do that...

Ever licked someone's cheek or forehead?
Yes. Bahah.

Is there someone you want to see right now?
Maybe.

Do you know anyone who's in the hospital?
Not right now.

What would your parents do if they found out you were pregnant?
They wouldn't be upset--they'd wonder if I'd lost my mind, since I'm never having kids.

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?
No.

Where did you get your last bruise from?
I don't know. These things happen.

What is something you disliked about your day?
The fact that it's Monday.

Do you find piercings and tattoos attractive?
In moderation.

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
No.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to?
No.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
I have five.

Do you know anyone who has been arrested?
Me. Ha.

Do you like to cuddle?
Love.

Are you happy with the choices you've made?
Mostly.

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept?
No.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
Never.

Do you have any animal print clothing?
No no no. UGLY.

Is there anyone you trust even though you should not?
I trust like four people--I think I'm good.

Relationship or hookup?
Relationship.

Few close friends or many acquaintances?
Close friends.

Hows your heart lately?
Justttt fine.

What do you hate about your school?
The administration.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
Maybe--Not really.

What are you wearing right now?
Jeans and a tee. Do I wear anything else? Not really.

If a bear attacked you, would you know how to defend yourself?
What?! No!

How clean is your room?
It's a mess--but that's because I don't have ANY time.

What is your current mood?
I'm all right. I need to study/work on my story for Fiction.

Is there anyone that pops into your head at random times?
Ha.

Do you find long distance relationships hard?
I've never tried. I mean, I guess Dames sort of counts, but I was actually in NYC for four weeks while we were dating, and we broke up about three days after I got home... so...

Do you think you and your best friends will be friends in 10 years?
I certainly hope so.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
No.

What is the longest you could go without a soda?
I don't drink soda.

Anything you're giving up on?
Nahhhh.

I really do hate people sometimes.

I hate people that are mean to my father--and people who disrespect him. And, I really hate it when they use me as a means of disrespect toward him.

Apparently, a certain rude, snotty, two-faced scene designer has been saying snide comments to my father about me. Things about his choice to use me as the SM for Stickwife [two fucking years later], his choice to cast me in Eclipsed [which I was DAMN good in, thank you very much], and, most recently, his choice to have me to the voice overs for Getting Out. Apparently my accent is too thick and he can't understand me. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FROM ALABAMA, YOU ASS--just because you're deaf and I can actually do a legitimate Alabamian accent doesn't give you the right to say things like this to my father.

You're probably wondering why I'm not saying something like "My feelings are so hurt by this," but rather I'm angry because he's saying to my father. That's because I know he feels this way. But, to find out that he's been making these horrible comments to my father--as means of not only disrespecting me, but to disrespect and discredit my father--is intolerable.

GUHH.

I'm done with my local color story!! Yay me! I reallllly like it. Going to read for WNS now. I thought I'd attempt to work on Fiction, but it's late.

Out.

Love love.

SAC

P.S. opinion about next tattoo:

Either this:


Or this:



On my left ankle [outside]. Whaddya think?