I am in a bad mood today. I was yesterday, as well.
The reason, I know is truly beyond stupid, but it is because I have been made to feel stupid. Not by anyone's doing, but by my own. I feel truly unintelligent, in this particular situation, and being the person I am, the advocate for intelligence that I am, I am not dealing with this well. Not at all. It upsets me. And, to e honest, I was upset at first because of who I was looking stupid in front of, but that;s really not it. It's the fact that I am looking stupid at all. I am intelligent. I want to LOOK intelligent. Intelligence is something to share, and when I am saying things, and doing things that are simply not smart, then I feel terrible. I am honestly not doing any of these things on purpose. I just wind up in certain situations where I can not, either, formulate what I want to say, or I say the wrong thing altogether. It's embarrassing, and it's NOT WHO I AM.
Let's just be honest here. I like someone right now. And, I have liked several guys in the last year, but none of them have been someone that I can really genuinely see myself having a lasting relationship with, and this person, I actually can. Except for when I make a complete ASS of myself in front of him. Emma and Mark told me that if he liked me, he would recognize that I have my silly moments, but these haven't been silly moments. They have been genuine moments where I have been or seemed unintelligent.
I am a free spirit, I am loud, I am silly, I am a goof. But, I am smart. I really am not trying to be arrogant, I just really feel that in order for me to function, I need to be smart. And I am.
I think a lot of this stems from that I have, despite my extroversion, trouble initiating things with people I like. And, that, in turn, stems from the experience I have had in the past with people that I have tried to initiate things with. Things have not always turned out well. Actually, things have never turned out well. I have now lost two of the greatest people to have ever entered my life because of this. So, I feel that this explains my nervousness, and possibly my seeming stupidity, but I still want to be seen as smart. I want something to work for me for once. I want to be able to have a conversation with this person where I don't look like a "raging tard", in the words of Mark.
I want to be able to walk up to him and say "Hey, you and me, let's talk." And HAVE A CONVERSATION with him, that is substantial, and more than "So, how are you?" "Good, and you?" "Good. Doing your assignment for class?" "Yep, you?" "Yep?" and then we part ways. I want to get to know him. And I want something to happen.
But. I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.
And, I am tired of looking stupid.
I can do this. I know I can. We'll see if I do.
SAC
Monday, September 22, 2008
I cannot play this game anymore
Posted by [SacMan.] at 8:59 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
You are almost a little too hard on yourself. Almost. :-)
You are smart. You are intelligent. And if he has heard you speak in class on something that is important to you, just once, then he will have recognized that fact. Everyone makes a fool of themselves in front of somebody they like, it's a rule of life or something. Please do not let it get you down with regards to this guy's view of you. But I can definitely understand the desire to come off to the rest of the world in the way you want to, which is collected and intellectual. These qualities of yours do not go away because you have a bad day or a silly moment. But you do have to allow yourself to mess up sometimes, and be a little foolish, which, hard as it may be, includes being this way in front of someone you want to impress. If this guy is worthwhile, then he will not only stick around to see how you are outside of class as well as in, he will also notice that you are a fascinating woman of merit who is not afraid to have a laugh at herself. And that, my friend, is definitely an attractive quality.
Muah! You are lovely. Don't stop buhleevin'.
Post a Comment