"This is what I thought I wanted...

Why am I afraid?"

Oh, Tyrone. How you make me feel so much better.

I'm pretty sure that song was written for me and about me.

It's true.

Attention readers: this is going to be a venting blog. And, it's highly possible that it will be long. And, I can assure that it will be angsty and emo. I apologize in advance.

This past week was likely the worst week I've had since I've been in college. There are a few weeks that beat it, but they were all during my senior year of high school. However, I've never wanted to run away from Rome, GA and Berry College so much in my life. I wanted to run and not stop until I got somewhere that no one knew me, where no one would judge me, and where I could just start over.

I felt like I was encased by Murphy's Law. Everything that could have gone wrong, did, and just thinking about it now makes me want to scream.

It started Wednesday, I think. Monday and Tuesday really weren't terrible. Wednesday things got bad. Bad bad.

About 8:3oam on Wednesday I was driving to go take my Spanish test that I was going to fail, because I hadn't studied anywhere near enough, and there was a driver on the other side of the road, who was clearly not paying attention to me, and he came into my lane. I would have gone around him via his lane, but there was someone behind him so I couldn't, so rather, I went into the ditch. I toppled over my steering wheel. I have the loveliest bruise across my abdomen. My car is fine, which is good, but I missed my Spanish test, which made me have a near nervous breakdown. It was not good. I didn't go to African American lit either because I was so shaken up, I just wanted to go home and cry. Which... I did go home, but I didn't cry. [I'll come back to the crying thing in a while]

But, I couldn't stay at home, because I had so much to do that night. I had to go to the Sense of Wonder event for Empower, which it was great, just took time that I really didn't have, due to like mounds and mounds of school work. Then I had rehearsal. Which, as much as I love working with Matt, and I'm glad that I'm spending more and more time with Emily, it's starting to consume my life, and I really don't need Theatre to consume my life. I've had enough for now, okay thanks.

Sigh.

I don't even want to talk about what happened after rehearsal. I don't like to think about it or all the stress that has come and spawned from it. So, I'm not going to.

And, I'm not going to talk about Thursday. It hurts to think about Thursday. It was the worst day of 2009 thus far. It was like a day from 2006 waited and showed up here in 2009.

Friday. Hmm. Well, Friday was interesting. Not bad, not like Thursday, but also not good. There were after effects of Thursday. I had to clean, since my Aunt and Uncle were here on Saturday, and I hate cleaning with the firey passion of buring Hell. Then, Vagina Monologues. Which went so well. So so so well. They were my small solace. Although, within the solace there was a brief blip of dispair... guh.

And, on Saturday, they went even better. I think it was because, at least for me, there were more people there. PLUS, my Aunt and Uncle were here, which was really happy.

But... oh, here's where I'm about to get real emo... even though it sounds like Friday night and Saturday were really good, which, I mean, they weren't bad, they also weren't good. It was odd, but I knew it was because I had so much weighing on my heart from everything that had happened during the week, that I couldn't truly and wholly enjoy the weekend that should have been really good.

Today was... Hmm. Well, it was stressful, but the stress of today was completely unrelated to the stress of the week before.

I said something about crying earlier... back to that now. Through all of this. This horrible week. I haven't cried. I cried for about a minute today, but it was because of what happened today, not becuase of everything else. I'm not really sure how I feel about the fact that I haven't cried. I think maybe the reason it's still weighing so heavily on me is because I haven't cried about it. I can't make myself cry though. I've tried, and it almost makes it worse. I think that if I were to sit down with someone and just talk to them. Tell them everything about the past week, as well as everything else on my heart, that I would probably cry. I haven't had that opportunity though. I don't really have the time for that. I don't have the time, but I fear that if I don't make the time, I will actually break. And breaking in this much stress could be really terrible, not only for me, but for people around me, my friends around me. I don't want to this to become like times in 2006 when things like this happened. It's been three years and I've grown up. I can't regress. I need to make time to talk, and I need to find someone to talk to. Someone I trust.

I'll call Gary tomorrow, maybe. I think I can make that time. I know he'll listen. I know I'll cry. I really think it could be good.

Tomorrow is Monday, which sucks, but is also going to be good. It's the start of a new week, a fresh start. I am going to choose--right now--for it to be a good week. I am not going to let last week become this week. It will not happen.

I think I'm done now.

I have playwriting and African American lit homework to do.

Love love.

SAC.