I've been doing a bit of thinking lately.

It seems that I am at a point in my life where I need to do things for me. Selfish as it sounds, it's true. I realize that I'm sort of somewhat doing this already--by not really having a social life and focusing all my life's efforts into school. Good grades are nice, sure. And, in the long run, they are for me. But, that's not really what I mean.

I mean that other things I do need to be for me--at least right now. This is not to say that I will completely stop doing things for other people--again, not really what I mean. I will still be there for my friends when they need me, I will still pay for their lunch if they can't, I will write kind words on their facebook walls, and I will love them as much as I can. I am not going to walk away from everyone in my life, or anything like that.

What I mean is that I need to stop doing things that should be for me for other people. Things like, my diet, how much I exercise, what I wear or, how I act--things that are seemingly trivial, but inevitably tell me how I feel about myself. These things should be solely for me, and to be honest, right now they really aren't.

The reasons that I do these things are to impress others, or make them like me--whatever. This is not good. This is not to say that I don't also do these things for me--obviously my diet and exercise regiments are for my health, yes--but, I believe that my motivation is--and, yes this is me bearing my soul--"so other people will think I'm attractive and like me."

I don't want to be this shallow and I don't want to care what other people think about it. I KNOW it doesn't matter, and yet I let it tug at me. I suppose it's not as bad as it has been in the past, like in high school when all I wanted to do was fit it. Now, I realize that it's not important if I fit in or not--I have friends who love me and that's all I need. I don't tend to think as much about what I wear needing to impress some boy--again, like in high school when this was seemingly the most important thing about what I wore. I've realized that if someone actually likes me for me--he's not going to care what I wear--and also, that I don't need someone to like me to be happy. I've also grown out of pretending to be someone I'm not around certain people--I do try to be myself as much as possible around everyone, but I do still have insecurities and it is still hard for me to be one-hundred percent me all the time. I am only this person when I am with a very select people.

Having gone through all sorts of things in my life: sad, weird, horrible, happy, and even wonderful--I know I've grown into the person that I am, but I also know that I still have so much growing to do. And, I know that in order to do this growing, I must do things for me. I must learn to completely love myself and I must be my own motivation in life.

In light of recent events--sucky, stupid, painful events--I know that I will need to be my own soulmate--at least for the time being. It hurts, and I know that it's going to take some time for me to get over it, but it will be the time that I take in getting over the mountain that will also be the time when I will do the most growing. I will grow and I will learn to completely love who I am, and who I will become.

I believe that I will come out on top--I'm not there yet, and I have no idea how long it will take, but I will overcome. I also know that there are people in my life who will support me through everything, and I am so happy to call them my friends.

So--now I begin my journey down this road.