Intelligence, change, and growth.

Intelligence. It's something I strive for. Something I think I have.

I like to be informed when I am speaking, and I want to scream when someone thinks they know what they are talking about, but really have no clue. Ignorance is not bliss, if you ask me.

I've been doubting myself lately. I know that I'm a generally intelligent person. I write fairly well, I am informed in debates I may have with other people, I have a general sense of what's going on in the world, I have common sense. But, my grades are low this semester. They've been "low" before, but never like this. I'm suffering in my Spanish class. I'm really having a hard time with that class for some reason. It should really be so much easier for me that it is. And, Faulkner. Oh, Faulkner. It's more than likely I will fail that class. FAIL. That makes my heart want to explode into a million and half pieces. But, at this point, I don't really know what else I can do. Bah. [I know, it doesn't help that my level of motivation right now is low].

It makes me think, and I've thought about this before: Why am I an English Major? I'm not good at this whole Literature thing. I'm just not. The classes that I've struggled in the most are my English classes. And those are the ones that I should be enjoying the most, not hating. I thought that switching to the writing concentration would solve all my problems, and while it does cut back on my Literature load, it doesn't eliminate it. All of the core classes are Lit classes. This semester, the class that I have enjoyed the most has been playwriting and that's because I'm actually WRITING. Not reading and analyzing all the damn time. But, here's the thing. I love to write. I do, I really really do. It's just that, I know I can write, and while I'm not the greatest, I know I'm not terrible, so why do I need to be taught how to? I'm so done being an English Major at all.

Here's something interesting about me: there are Three things I want to do with my life. 1. Help people. 2. Own a restaurant. 3. Write.

In this moment, I want to be done with the semester and I want to be done with English. I don't know what that means. I have a lot of thinking to do, and this summer is going to be a time of growth for me. When I come back in the fall, there are three options for me: 1. I stay an English Major. I suck it up and deal with it. 2. I change my major and stay longer. 3. I take a semester off.


Change has never been easy for me. My transition from high school to college was strangely hard, considering there really wasn't all that much changing. I didn't go away to school, I still lived at home, I saw my parents everyday. But, I remember it being so difficult. Last year, I applied to VCU for transfer, I was accepted, but I could make myself leave Berry. I was too afraid, I didn't want to leave my friends. This year, however, has been filled with change. I had a shift in the fall of who my friends were, and that shift has continued into this semester. I've changed a lot personally, as well; I've done a lot of growing and learning about who I am. I'm a good place with myself and with my friends, but I know that there are going to be even more changes coming. This summer will be a summer of growth and change; I know I will learn so much about myself. I hope I learn who I am supposed to be.

I want to be someone who makes a difference. Analyzing literature will not do that for me. The end.

I'm going to go do homework now. Sigh.

SAC